Hello friends!
Well, a few of you have asked how things are going with me and Marbles. I guess I’ve been avoiding this next newsletter because I knew it was going to be a challenge to write. I feel like I’ve undergone such drastic spiritual changes since my time in Covelo, I hardly know how to think about it coherently, much less put it down in writing.
So this letter should be interesting. I’ll give it my best shot.
Leaving L.A. …at least for now
Well… as my 3 month stint in Covelo came to an end, I came to the difficult realization that I really couldn’t afford my L.A. apartment any longer. The implications of that sort of messed with my head. For the last few years I’ve made my life there — my friends, my community, my church, my work. Not to mention I just loved that apartment and that location.
I lived in that place for over 3 years and it was a serious struggle every month, but God always provided at the last minute. I even got unexpected checks sometimes, right before the rent was due. Cool, right? That’s what I said I wanted, right? To be living on the edge, by faith.
But last fall I remember making an almost-conscious decision. “This is too stressful and I don’t want to trust God anymore. I just want stability.”
Well now, as my time in Covelo came to an end and next steps were looming, I felt him telling me, “You’re leaning too hard on this apartment. Give it up and come trust me month by month. You’ll always have food to eat, you’ll always have a place to stay, meaningful work to do and friends around you; you won’t be alone. Watch me provide one day at a time.”
If it was hard to trust him to provide for the rent, this kind of way-bigger, deeper trust seemed impossible. And yet… not. Somehow I just knew I didn’t have to worry. I would have food, a place to stay, work to do, friends around me… He would put down the tracks in front of the train. I just knew.
So in May I flew back to Burbank and Tamara and I spent the next 3 weeks packing and selling furniture and moving out. Which is, of course, a difficult process. Letting go of *stuff.*
All this time I was reading Thoreau and finishing the script. And in his book Thoreau would throw out cutesy little sayings, like — “A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to leave alone.” And I’d think, “That’s nice. That’s very inspirational-sounding and esoteric.” But only now did it really begin to penetrate on a much deeper level. What it really meant. For me. It finally registered as more than a lofty ideal or an inspiring phrase. More than a fancy principle about our relationship to material things. It’s talking about so much more than material things.
It’s talking about a way of life… a way of being. And to me, it’s talking about the kind of life the apostles lived when they threw it all to the wind and followed Jesus.
It struck me that the process of letting go of *stuff* was very similar, almost exactly the same process as letting go of a lot of other things. Like unforgiveness. Like ego. Like old wounds that have sort of crippled me emotionally for years. It was the same exact process… and the same exact feeling of “Oh crap, but I sort of want this. I might need this later.”
It staggered me how much I preferred fear, worry, loneliness over over peace, joy, love. It was like God was standing on one side offering me all things good, but I literally had to hesitate and think about whether I wanted it.
But as Tamara and I spent the Month of May packing, I watched as everything he’d promised started to unfold. Starting June 1, my cousin Jenny needed me to come shoot a video for the medical clinic she runs. “Hope Clinic” has an incredible ministry to underinsured people in rural Tennessee who can’t afford medical care. The clinic is facing some gigantic financial obstacles right now, so they needed a video to help raise money. The Fillman family, good friends of mine in Tennessee, offered to let me stay with them as long as I needed. So bada-bing. I’m here in Chattanooga with work to do. Friends to stay with. A room of my own. More delicious food than I can possibly eat (thanks Terri)!
As I was packing and getting rid of stuff, it began to dawn on me that I wasn’t actually losing anything. I would have the same exact quality of life I’d had before — the same things I’d had before — except without the fear of losing them. Everything I’d been trying to get across in “Marbles” about true wealth coming from friendship, and joy in Christ, and our own peculiar ability to effect good in the world — I was being asked to embrace in my own life. I was being asked to take seriously his words, “Do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor.”
In a new way, it started to penetrate much deeper than before — that working on a project like Hope Clinic is far more valuable to God than me getting my name in the credits of some big Hollywood movie. And that’s a difficult thing for the ego to stomach. In fact my entire being was revolting against it: This totally different way of living was backwards from everything I’d ever known, from everything my culture taught me to value.
Do I really want it?
I have to stop and consider – Do I actually want to go this deep with God? This is beyond what I signed up for. And I seriously have to hesitate.
In the silence that follows that question, my answer comes to me. It is the same answer given by the disciples in John 6.
67″You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
68Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”
To whom else shall I go?
So I step off the edge. I take the plunge. I say yes, help me let it all go.
Great, I’m about to lose everything.
Consequences
What do I find on the other side? The last thing I expected. Freedom.
Freedom from fear, freedom from worry, freedom from enslavement to my own ego and all its needs and drives, freedom from striving. Freedom to start being generous with my money and my time. What’s mine is yours, because someone else is providing for my needs. No need to self-protect or store up for later.
When I handed in my apartment keys, I didn’t have a single key left on my keychain. No car (it died), no apartment… no car insurance, no utility bills… just a 5×5 cube with all my stuff, and a year to hit the road and experiment in letting God provide for my life, one day at a time. And he doesn’t just provide the bare minimum. He’s exhorbitant. He provides in ways that are taylored to me, with an intimacy that just continues to amaze me. I have tons of stories I could share about that.
Where to now?
Right now I’m in Tennessee finishing up the Hope Clinic video. Rajeev and I finished the second draft of “Marbles” just before I left Burbank, so now begins the process of promoting it and trying to find funding for the feature. I pray for the opportunity to bring “Marbles” to the big screen. I dream of using the film as a platform for these types of conversations about what it means to live full, divine lives. I’m thankful God sent me through the fiery furnace to teach me what it was I was actually writing about.
After Hope Clinic ends things are still a little up in the air for me, but I have a few opportunities pending. I hope to be back in LA by next year, Lord willing.
Lest I run into you sometime in the near future and you expect me to have it all down pat — I’m barely getting used to these ideas, much less practicing them correctly. It’s a slow process, but I’m glad the journey’s begun. I feel a whole lot happier and more relaxed than I’ve been in a long, long, LONG time.
One other thing – I’m not even close to suggesting that everyone should get rid of their stuff and hit the road. And I don’t expect to be doing this forever. (In fact, I don’t even expect to be doing it for very long.) I think the real issue here is submission and trust. There were a lot of things I was trusting in for my security, other than God. He seems to be very good at removing all of those crutches, one by one. You can put just about anything before God, even simple living. But when it comes down to it there is only one master: Jesus. And one movement: Love.
As they begin to take physical shape in my life, I am blown away by the radical nature of his words: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30
Hoping this email finds you truly ALIVE,
“I know no riches I would keep back. I have no private good unless it be my peculiar ability to serve the public. This is the only individual property.” – Thoreau
No keys to the civilized world